As a young man I was attracted to girls, sometimes strongly, but I had no sexual relationships.  When I started to take female hormones in 1994 I continued to like women but my physical attraction to them quickly dropped to nearly zero, and only mildly revived during the periods I came off hormones.

In 1995 I started to socialise en-femme, and late at night a snog and a grope with a man sometimes became inevitable.  After a few glasses of wine there was even instances where I found the guy quite attractive and perhaps encouraged him verbally and physically.  When sitting on a guys lap I got used to feeling a reaction, but I was always very conscious where his hands were and the dangers involved.

In late 1997 a combination of doubts (as I was arranging my SRS) plus meeting a wonderful girl suddenly resulted in further total mental confusion as to my sexuality.  It then took me over two years to finally and definitively decide that I was female ... which I've stuck to so far!

By the time of my transition in late 2000 I was very used to appearing in public as a woman, usually for just a few hours or a day, but eventually for weeks.  At the risk of being totally politically incorrect, one thing soon became clear to me - like it or lump it, below a certain age being a woman involves being considered by men as a sex object and a potential repository for their sperm - you have no choice about it.  Women who think otherwise are either not seeing the wood for the tree's, or are simply trying to deny thousands of years of evolution and social development.

For a long time my external physical sex was still not totally female as I had the remains of a penis, but a full erection was impossible for many years and in 2002 I had a bilateral orchidectomy (castration) which made this irreversible.  I could still get sexually aroused - but the process, thoughts, experience and physical feelings are rather different from my recollection of a now distant 'male' past. 

Sex...
By the time I transitioned, I wanted to be attracted to men and actively sought this.  If was going to be a sex object for men (and anything otherwise indicated a failure by me to "pass") I wanted to be able to enjoy it, and occasionally even pay back the compliment! 

I spent many hours imaging myself as the woman in these situations.

I began to actively examine men and consider whether they were "hot", if I was vaguely attracted to them at all I would try to imagine kissing them and then being in bed with them.  I also watched romantic old movies and soft-porn movies and imagined that I was the female star.  Reading women's and teenager magazines was very important in helping me to help develop a female sexual orientation and point of view.  I can certainly recommend teenage girl mags for advice on sex, love and men that is just as applicable to the inexperienced heterosexual transsexual woman!

I suddenly started to regain some libido after years of almost no sexual urges, but a switch had flicked - I fancied men when stone cold sober!  The reasons for this are difficult to analyse, but doing my best they perhaps come in overlapping parts:

1. The bombardment of "female" signals that my body and subconscious mind had been  getting from hormones and anti-androgens for years.

2. Living as a woman triggered further female type sexuality and attraction to men

3. As a woman, there was an enormous change in how both men and other women socialised and interacted with me, I was expected to be attracted to men rather than women (even if they knew I was MTF).

4. Some men clearly found me attractive as a woman, and it was strangely hard not to respond to this if they weren't positively ugly.

I could contentedly contemplate an attractive man and both regard him as desirable and enjoy in my imagination thoughts that would have been disgusting to me before I transitioned.  I was increasingly curious and even eager do more than imagine intimacy with a man, indeed conversations with attractive men began to result in severe distraction and blushing on my part!  Also, as I gained more confidence I started to relax and began to try out an essential female pastime - flirting with men.  I found myself having very odd dreams about sex, pregnancy, breastfeeding ... at one point I became an extremely "broody" browser of Mothercare shops until a traumatic few weeks working as an assistant at a Pre-School cured me of all thoughts of motherhood.

About six months after my transition I was both panicking and flattered to discover that I had acquired a determined would be boy-friend at work.  It was two months after I had started the job and by then I knew that I had been outed.  One well meaning friend suggested that he was a "tranny chaser" but thankfully I was absolutely sure that his interest had started well before any gossip about my sex, and that the later was not the reason for his excessive but endearing attempts to woo me.  Given subsequent developments, I felt that he was actually being very brave in continuing to chase me.

His persistence gradually led to a kind of acceptance on my part, indeed after a while it became strange if he was not beside him if we went to the pub after work, or to some other social "do".  Our physical relations were very limited - we were both shy and nervous about anything more than a quick good night kiss, although someone latter showed me photo's taken at various occasions which caught us holding hands at every one!

In October 2001 - after we had been going out together for four months by his reckoning - he persuaded me to go on holiday to Cyprus with him.  Cleverly he gave me absolutely no time to think or worry about it, and defeated my slight resistance with "it's already paid for and arranged".  After some frantic shopping and packing we were on the way to Cyprus just two days later - but while still at work I received extensive encouragement and tips from girls who had hardly ever spoken to me before, clearly we were the gossip of the day! 

As we took off (holding hands) I finally felt that I actually had a boyfriend and that I was now someone's girlfriend.  One thing very much on my mind was that we were apparently on the verge of being intimate without ever having openly discussed my "condition". When we arrived at the hotel the promised single rooms turned out to be one double - he still claims that it was a mistake.  It was that room or nothing, and he was certainly a total gentleman that night at kept his distance.  But ever since he suggested agreeing to go the holiday I had been thinking about us making love and had mentally agreed, I now began to worry that he had a problem with me as I lay awake most of the night waiting for something to happen.

Thankfully the next day our initial shyness faded as the wine flowed and we cuddled and then kissed and began to explore each other - he's always maintained that because I took my top off I was in fact the initiator of what happened thereafter.  I certainly had a lot of long pent up desires.

There was soon no holding either of us back and although getting the reactions and behaviour automatically right when woken at 4:00 am by the groping of an already aroused man takes a little practice and effort, I learnt rapidly and mostly loved it all - even when hung-over and very tired.  

Constantly being held, massaged, stroked and even intimately fondled was strange and even uncomfortable at first, but soon became enjoyable and then expected.  I began to miss it, and eventually to worry, when he wasn't touching me.

I also slowly started to have fun discovering how to excite and please him as a woman - initially in private but as I learnt how his turn-on's I increasingly teased him in public, to my enjoyment at least.  Courting and making love to a man as a woman is different from making love to a woman as a man - it was wonderful to be woo'ed and pampered and wonder what he was going to try next, frustrate him, slowly start to give in, and then surprise him with a treat!  

Obviously penetrative vaginal intercourse was impossible for me, but in bed we both discovered that some areas of my body were wonderfully - almost ridiculously - sensitive to physical stimulation.   I also found out how to keep him satisfied while all but asleep myself! 

To my great relief, having sexual intimacy with a man was suddenly acceptable to myself and I found my eyes wandering and body quivering at passing hunks - I loved it, my female side had finally conquered my male side.  During the holiday I had many wonderful experiences that I'll always remember and still treasure. 

My Breasts
After I started hormones, my budding breasts were a constant source of grief pre-transition, and were hated by a female partner.

When I transitioned I was very lucky and soon had a boyfriend.  He enjoyed my breasts immensely, indeed they were essential for him to be sexually excited by my body and be able to accept me as a woman.  They were central to our physical relationship, and the cause of my purchase of many padded and push up bra's.

After we started to share a bed I realised that the real function of breasts is to give a man's hands something to play with until he doze's or fall's asleep - just when the woman is getting interested!

I had mixed feeling about it, but in January 2002 I had surgery at a local clinic to increase my bra cup size from a small B to a full C.  You can read much more about it here.   Afterwards my bosom was certainly getting many more glances and I found that I had fewer concerns about being outed, indeed for the first time for many years I began to expect men to try to chat me up!

My Orchidectomy
In May 2002 I had a bilateral orchidectomy.  This involved a visit to a clinic in England, where it was performed on an out-patient basis.  The cost was very low compared with SRS.  It's hard for me to judge the results and effects - psychological as well as physiological - that have since occurred, but I think they are all positive.  Since the orchidectomy my occasional but sometimes strong inclinations to revert to male have ceased and I find that I now automatically consider myself as female in gender sensitive situations, although I'm not sure how much of that is due to the growing relationship with my boyfriend which has become so important to me.

Note:  If you are considering having an orchidectomy then it's important to remember that the results of a subsequent vaginoplasty will tend to be less satisfactory (e.g. reduced vaginal depth) because there is less material to work.  For this reason some surgeons - including Dr Suporn Watanyuskul (my intended surgeon) - are reluctant (although unlikely to refuse!) to perform SRS on patients who have already had an orchidectomy  A general guideline is that if you expect to have SRS within two years then an immediate orchidectomy is probably inappropriate for you.

You can read a little more about me here.